Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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