Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
