How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I smell stomach acid.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
