WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
