dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
