My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
