I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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