she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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