well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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