turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
