remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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