I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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