I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
