I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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