I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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