I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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