What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
