I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.