When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
