i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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