my phone needs a breathalizer
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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