well you can't waste a boner
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
