i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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