Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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