i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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