I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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