the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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