More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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