Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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