if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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