I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
