Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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