I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
