I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
