That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Text me some of your sweat
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
