just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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