Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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