all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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