Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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