How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
