she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
