if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
fuck your aforementioned shoe
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
