i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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