this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
