There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
