Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
