Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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