guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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