you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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