then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
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Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
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In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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