so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
