well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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