Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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