i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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