I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
