I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
